the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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