He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
