Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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