do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
