look no pants
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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