and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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