if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
