booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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