**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
there is glitter all over my balls
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
