i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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