i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
