so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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