you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
