Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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