Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
