the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
