I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
please come you make the beer taste better
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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