I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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