WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
