i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
