I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
i will never coherently bang her
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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