One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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