why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
