Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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