i permit you to call me
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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