I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
