Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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