I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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