My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
