Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
