you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
