Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Green mimosas i think yes
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
