I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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