textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
