You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Randomize
