Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
