Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
