Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
