i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
