she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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