I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
