Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
