You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
The struggles of a small town man whore
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
