Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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