Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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