sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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