awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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