Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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