So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize