I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
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