i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
