i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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