Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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