I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
