I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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