i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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