My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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