Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
