The best revenge is premature balding
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
