The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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