I just made out with a guy for $7.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
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