Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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