Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize