Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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